The Autonomy of My Legs

Last night was one of the more restless nights I got used to. I lay or sit peacefully on my bed but my legs were in a different mood.

Nathan Oliveira – Reclining Nude with Crossed Legs, 1960

Not only don’t they listen to me when I want them to move – they stare at me as if my wishes were the most stupid anyone could have – they move when I either want to fall asleep or in my sleep. The muscles contract and throw my legs in all kinds of positions. This can continue throughout the night. They behave like children who want to become autonomous. They don’t like the idea that real autonomy would mean to leave home aka my body.

Okay, so far I interpret these annoying spasms as signs of nerves and muscles still being alive. Comparable to parent child relations where both sides fail to communicate constructively, this communication fails between my brain and parts of my peripheral nerves.

Towards sunrise I finally found a position that wasn’t only cosy, it looked so cosy that carers left me alone and didn’t bother me with breakfast.

What else happened? I got the okay from my GP to taper down Gabapentin. If this medicine has any effect on me it might only make me more tired than disrupted sleep patterns at night already brought to me.

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