A Late Coming Out

In a few months I will be 65. It is not that I didn’t live bisexual, it is more that I learned to hide my real feelings and thoughts from childhood on. Nobody really got to know me not even my son who knows me the best.

Why now?

From April 2021 my physical ability declined slowly. It started with knees giving in, flipping forward. You can’t avoid falling if one leg moves forward and the knee of the other legs doesn‘t stay stable. The fifth fall was so bad that an ambulance had to bring to hospital.

Long story short about my decline: I had a benign tumour compressing my upper spinal cord (thoracic T8/9), making me paraplegic. It has been removed on 28th of October 2022. On Monday 14th of November my needs to recover as far as possible will be assessed, I’m also listed to move on to rehab in the local physiotherapy clinic.

This was one part in turning my life upside down I needed some time to come to terms with the possibly never being able to stand or walk because the tumour had been discovered late, in June 2022.

Nursing Home

End of June 2021 I moved from hospital to a nursing home because I could not return to my private shared home on first floor. Though I could still walk with a zimmer frame, stairs I could not use.

Being forced to not only accept being the receiver of care but also to be among people 24/7 after years of living isolated voluntarily for almost 13 years turned myself upside down, emotionally and mentally. I lost myself for some months.

Why writing?

I will leave the nursing home one day and I don’t want to go back to my style of living. Whoever will be interested to know more about me can read here. Almost 65 years are too many years to know where to start and to end. Being unable to do much gave me space to reflect on “who I came to be” how colourful my life has been so far. It is for my son who since we live apart came to an independent understanding about what he could not understand about his mother when he was younger.

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