On my first and restored Google account
When I was young there were people who called me an old soul, nowadays they may call me wise but how shall they get this idea. I would never call myself wise. I don’t want to draw attention to any part of my life. I’m a mother and this is as normal as anything can be.
To understand myself will be the one thing I will never understand. Didn’t I just mention that I want to focus on Patricia Krenwinkel. And the question jumped in why my brain is so difficult for me to understand. I want to be able to explain myself to myself … How shall this happen?
I wished my father was still alive. In a way he was my first hero … crap I’m so emotional today. Daddy, I miss you! I cannot forgive my mother that she hammered so many wedges between you and me that you came to believe that I was like her. Though we could sort this out, you didn’t live much longer.
It’s so strange
- I slept like a baby
- I still liked to wear a camouflage cap while checking what happened, something is different. Wanting to secretly discover what is going on.
- Trust in Google returned
- Ok with the fact that I lost access to all email-accounts except this one and the other on Protonmail
- I’m in a radical cleaning mood
Oh yes, trusting Google means getting rid of Microsoft Office. So far, so good!
It can’t be that I awakened to a new reality … but it feels as if I did. Carefully looking around the corner.
Ha, all YouTube subscriptions are gone. At least I hope so. Let me have a look.
Is it too late to help Patricia Krenwinkel turning the page in her favour. What I can do is to outline how easily childhood trauma remains undetected. Patricia is now 74 years old and has no idea how she fell for Charles Manson.
One typical sign is – must not be in any case – she is constantly learning, applying for courses, taking on responsibilities …
Bear with me, I lost all data, I have to almost start fresh.
The title drew me in. Thinking about my tree. I could lie on his mighty trunk, observe the dance of leaves above me. He broke during a thunderstorm. Broke but not dead! From the stub of the tree little twitches in uncountable number cheered about the fact that they no longer needed to travel all the way up the trunk to catch sunlight.
Have you ever heard/read the poem “Trees”? It’s a short poem by Joyce Kilmer. Although very popular, “Trees” is often dismissed as simple, dated, sentimental, and sappy. This poem has underwhelmed on such a grand scale that Columbia University (Wilmer’s alma mater) holds the annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest. I’m no literary scholar, but I think “Trees” gets a bad rap. For one thing, the timing of Kilmer’s work toward the beginning of the twentieth century predates the modernist movement by barely a decade. To judge Kilmer against poets like TS Elliot and Ezra Pound, is like judging 90’s climbers for wearing SKIDZ. It’s not their fault that Prana and Lululemon didn’t exist yet.
Now I’m not saying “Trees” is a masterpiece.Even when considered apart from the modernist tradition, it still reads more like a religious nursery rhyme than a poem deserving of in-depth analysis by every high school sophomore on the planet.
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Since I know that time and form are illusions I just discovered that this sets me free to write without chronological order. Before it was always sabotaged by “How should anyone ever get (understand) me.” I don’t care anymore, nobody is forced to read this blog. My people, the awakened, get me. Everybody else can stay away.
Where was I? Berlin & Music 1975 – 1978 … the happiest time of my life without child. Berlin back at this time was the most liberal City in Germany. I left behind a codependent mother, who meant well … but she didn’t get me. I hurt her when I moved to my father … I had to, I felt like slowly suffocating with her, the school I hated and conservative Cologne (catholic).
I had everything I wanted, my boyfriend Jörg in Oberursel near Frankfurt/Main. I loved him, he should be and was the first who could “have” me (making love). It was a desaster. I’m sure he thought the same “Why are people making such a fuss about it?” I still loved him, we parted ways when he moved to Argentina.
Then there was Angie, I loved her more than Jörg, she felt attached to me and when we parted ways in 1978 I realised how much I felt attached to her. We have been both very similar and complete opposites. I had to leave Berlin, too much reminded me of her.
Berlin? In 3D I need unconventional or happy people around me. This was a given in the scene of artists Angie and I merged into. I got a taste of what freedom meant to me.
I want to sing … loud … and maybe reactivate my alto sax. Time is an illusion. No more asking myself how I can do everything I want to do. Freedom finally.
I wrote the following in November 2021, the day after I awakened to my higher self. Description follows in my next article.
It is 8:28 AM. It is frosty but sunny outside. For a moment I imagined how it would be to dress myself warm and have a walk, feeling the crispy air hitting my face and absorbing the fog of my breath.
It is one of my “What if” mornings. If I could change one thing worldwide it would be to close, to shut down all central national governments and monarchies. They are far to expensive for producing and delivering nothing or worse causing damage and destruction.
Last night was one of the more restless nights I got used to. I lay or sit peacefully on my bed but my legs were in a different mood.
Not only don’t they listen to me when I want them to move – they stare at me as if my wishes were the most stupid anyone could have – they move when I either want to fall asleep or in my sleep. The muscles contract and throw my legs in all kinds of positions. This can continue throughout the night. They behave like children who want to become autonomous. They don’t like the idea that real autonomy would mean to leave home aka my body.
Okay, so far I interpret these annoying spasms as signs of nerves and muscles still being alive. Comparable to parent child relations where both sides fail to communicate constructively, this communication fails between my brain and parts of my peripheral nerves.
Towards sunrise I finally found a position that wasn’t only cosy, it looked so cosy that carers left me alone and didn’t bother me with breakfast.
What else happened? I got the okay from my GP to taper down Gabapentin. If this medicine has any effect on me it might only make me more tired than disrupted sleep patterns at night already brought to me.
In preparation for further testing at a neurology hospital I will put my history and my symptoms in one blog post. Stress can play a role in neurological function so let me begin in November 2020.
On the 5th of November 2020, almost a year ago, I collapsed at home without losing conciousness. I simply fell on the floor while suffering from a severe headache. I also had fever. It felt like a strange form of a cold. Since I worked in healthcare I knew that I did not suffer from COVID 19. Usually I would have gone to A&E but everybody without life-threatening symptoms was asked not to visit hospitals.
After a week of feeling very sick with no improvements I decided to ignore government rulings and went to the hospital. I almost cried from relief when I passed the entry testing “Now I will get help”. Everything was fine except extreme high level of stress in my blood. They took blood samples every three to four hours which showed that my stress decreased since my arrival. Of course: I felt safe and confident to receive the help I needed. I was fit to leave the hospital the next day but should take four weeks off sick to recover.
Face masks the reason of physical stress
I simply don’t get enough oxygen when I have to work with 3 Ply Face Masks – FFP2. Constant sweating and moments of hyperventilation and feeling my heart pound I had to accept if I did not want to lose my job. Low oxygen causes anxiety, means stress. My body said “Enough” when I collapsed in November of last year,
After the recovery period I tried to continue working more slowly and with more breaks. Same symptoms and my hands began to shake after two hours. After two more hours I went home with my whole body shaking. I laid down and fell asleep on the spot. I went off sick. My employer and I hoped for an end of all these regulations,
I did not enjoy to go out and preferred to stay at home to avoid wearing face masks.
As I now understand, my wrist fracture marks the beginning of functional neurology symptoms from the beginning of April 2021 onwards.
Short after I fractured my wrist I felt that my gait was slightly wobbly, as if I had just drunken a bit too much. I was still able to atten my surgery around 10 days later without walking aids.
Between surgery and the removal of my cast more symptoms appeared:
- Tingling sensation under my feet (foot soles)
- Knees unpredictably flipping forward.
These knee flips had been responsible for five more falls. I became afraid of walking, especially going downstairs from my flat on first floor. I ordered two walking sticks to be able to go to hospital at the end of April to remove my cast and get help with my walking problems. They could not find anything and so I was planned for a MRI Scan of my spine on the 18th of June.
- Tingling sensation expanded up to the knees
I organised a carer coming to my home because I could not use the bath tub, not even wash my hair. Rubbish piled up from food I ordered.
- The last fall at home on 11th of June created more damage (sprained ankle)
Because I was turning to the toilet when another knee flip happened out of the blue I fell to the right side and sprained my ankle. The whole foot later was bruised in blue and red but I felt no pain. For this reason I did not spend attention to it when an ambulance had to come to help me up from the floor. Once on my feet I could not do a single step and so they transferred me to the hospital.
- The MRI Scan revealed two disc bulges
The doctor said that I will recover with physiotherapy. I was able to walk with a walking frame. Two weeks later I had been transfered to a residential care home because I could not return back home. I was on a waiting list for physiotherapy.
From being incontinent only when I could not walk to the toilet quickly enough, I now leak into my pads uncontrollably.
- Right foot drop
- Increasing immobility
- Pain and spasms
From being able to walk with walking aid and doing exercises while lying or sitting I arrived at being no longer in control of any movements from my hip downwards. Muscle is still there because spasms make my legs or feet move as they want to. Also sensation like touch or water from the shower can trigger movement. Spasms in the back are painful. Spasms in my legs or feet aren’t painful but trigger movements which I sometimes don’t even feel.
The tingling is so dominant that I cannot feel much else. As long as I could walk I rejected wearing shoes because they prevented from feeling if my feet touched ground or not.
- Sleepless and tired
I can fall in deep sleep in a second at any time. But I don’t sleep much. I’m happy if occasionally I sleep for three or four hours.
- Phantom feelings
I can feel all the movements my legs are usually able to perform while they don’t do any of the movements I feel. One day I had the constant feeling that my right lower leg is hanging out of bed. It didn’t.